Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
