Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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