so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
