please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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