It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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