Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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