My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i came on her dog
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
