I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
