I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
