Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
