your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
