Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
