He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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