So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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