I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
