you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
