So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
