I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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