Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
