I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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