Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Bring me that man meat
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
