My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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