it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
