i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
