She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
