I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
