i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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