i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
