I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
