I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
