So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
