I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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