He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
