Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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