Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
