The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
