I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
