I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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