i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
