Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
