goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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