I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
