My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
