When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm passing your future prison.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
