i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
