well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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