there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I'm really busy with my period
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