That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
