she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
