Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
