dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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