Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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