i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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