I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
