youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
