On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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