My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
