if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I forget how to act sober
Randomize